


NO HOMBRO

by Books_cats_and_tea



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Gay Character, Genderfluid Character, I tried to be funny, M/M, Slow Burn, Trans Character, super slow
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-29
Updated: 2016-09-02
Packaged: 2018-07-27 10:58:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 23
Words: 5,337
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7615396
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Books_cats_and_tea/pseuds/Books_cats_and_tea
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alex Hamilton and John Laurens were best buds. They loved each other. No homo.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. the beginning

Alex Hamilton and John Laurens were always best buds. They loved each other. No homo.   
“ Hey bro?” Alex said tenderly.   
“ Yeah, bro?” John replied, matching Alex’s warmth.   
“ I just want to tell you that you’re my whole world, and you mean everything to me.”   
“... bro,” John said, a manly tear welling up in his eye.   
“ No Homo!” they yelled at the same time.   
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~


	2. Man's Man Manly Tavern of Testosterone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> mean girls reference

John and Alex were going Man’s Man Manly Tavern, to get manly drinks. They met up with their other friends, Mulligan and Lafayette.   
“ YOOOOO WASSUP BROS. HOW YA DOIN, FUCK ANY SWEET HORSES LATELY?’ Mulligan asked in his distinctly Mullligany way.   
“ No, because unlike you, we have respect for the female species.” John joked.   
“ Uhh… sure. I meant females. Not horses. DEFINITELY NOT. Yep” Mulligan coughed.   
“ HON HON OUI OUI BAGUETTE FUCK BITCHES GET MONEY CROISSANT.” Lafayette said with a french accent.   
“ Oh, Lafayette!” Everyone in their masculine group said, even Lafayette, for some reason.   
Then this bitch, Burr showed up. He's so pathetic. Let me tell you something about Aaron Burr. We were best friends in middle school. I know, right? It's so embarrassing. I don't even... Whatever. So then in eighth grade, I started going out with my first boyfriend Kyle who was totally gorgeous but then he moved to Indiana, and Aaron was like, weirdly jealous of him. Like, if I would blow him off to hang out with Kyle, he'd be like, "Why didn't you call me back?" And I'd be like, "Why are you so obsessed with me?" So then, for my birthday party, which was an all-girls pool party, I was like, "Aaron, I can't invite you, because I think you're lesbian." I mean I couldn't have a lesbian at my party. There were gonna be girls there in their *bathing suits*. I mean, right? He was a LESBIAN. So then his mom called my mom and started yelling at her, it was so retarded. And then he dropped out of school because no one would talk to him, and he came back in the fall for high school, all of his hair was cut off and he was totally weird, and now I guess he's on crack. So, anyway, Burr walked up to the testosterone squad and said, “ HOW ARE MY BITCHES DOING?! OH MY GOD, HAMMIE, I HAVEN’T SEEN YOU IN MONTHS! GOD I COULD SHOOT YOU BETWEEN THE RIBS RIGHT NOW, I’M SO HAPPY! HOLY CREPE, LAFAYETTE! I’M SO EXCITED TO SEE YOU! I JUST COULDN’T WAIT FOR IT.”   
“... Hi Burr.” John said tentatively. ( none of them wanted burr to be there, but they didn’t tell him to fuck off. Which they probably should given how the night was going to go.)   
~ 36 minutes later~   
“ SHOT SHOT SHOT SHOT SHOT” they were encouraging Alex to take his 14th shot of vodka. Hopefully, he wouldn’t die from it.   
“ LET’S GO ALEX!!!!!!!!!!! WE LOVE YOU!!!! I LOVE YOU!!! I MEAN… NO HOMO BRO WHOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!” John said in a not at all gay way. Shut up.   
“ I AM NOT THROWING AWAY MY SHOT!” Alex yelled, downing the vodka. He coughed, then threw away his shot( glass)( lol u thought). All the guys at the tavern pulled Alex into the most no homo hug ever. God. There was so much testosterone last night. You should have been there. Man, it was glorious :’). 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~


	3. hangover 3: the sequel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex has a hangover + icarly reruns

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pls don't expect this fic to be good.

“ Ughhhgughggguuuughhhhhgughhhhgg.” Alex said the next morning. Poor baby had too much to drink.   
John was laying next to him on the couch, with his head on Alex’s shoulder. ( no homo) “Bro, you need some coffee.”   
“ UUUuuuuuufghggghghhhhhhhgh”   
“ uh-huh. I know bby, I know” John said from the Keurig.   
In response, Alex slumped on the couch. John smiled to himself. Alex was really cute. Even when he was hungover and tired. WAIT I MEAN JOHN LAURENS IS TOTALLY STRAIGHT AND SO IS ALEX, IN FACT ALEX HAS A GIRLFRIEND. YEP. YOU HEARD ME. A REAL LIFE GIRL-HUMAN-FRIEND.   
John brought two mugs of mediocre coffee to the couch. “ thanks.” Alex said quietly. He smiled and John’s heart melted a little.   
There was a knock at the door. “ Alexander? Sweetheart? Are you in there?” It was Eliza, Alex’s girl-human-friend.   
“ Uhhhhuhhuhh” Alex called back.   
Eliza came into the apartment. She was wearing a flowy blue dress and her black hair was pulled into a loose ponytail. She looked gorgeous, as always. John pushed down the stab of jealousy that formed in the pit of his stomach. Eliza sat down next to Alex and kissed his cheek; He blushed and grabbed her hand. John turned on the tv and they spent the rest of the morning watching icarly reruns.


	4. monologues and bunnies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> exactly as the title says.

After Eliza left, Alex went to the bathroom to take a shower. I should probably state that Alex and John live together. So...yeah. It’s not weird. Alex came out of the shower with a towel wrapped around his waist and his hair dripping all over the floor. “ My god, Alex, dry off your hair.” John threw a dish towel at him, but missed.   
Alex giggled, and John took a moment to look at his-- well not so great abs. ( I’m being honest.) “ Do you want a protein shake bro?” John asked.   
“ Nah bro.”   
“ Why not?”   
“ Because you’re the only strength I need.” Alex said.   
“ Aw bro” John shook his head. Why did Alex always do this? He always jokes about loving him, but he doesn’t mean it. He’ll never mean it… The truth is he lo- WE INTERRUPT YOUR PREVIOUSLY SCHEDULED ANGSTY INTERNAL MONOLOGUE TO BRING YOU A PICTURE OF A BUNNY :  
..()_()   
=(-.-)= YOU’RE WELCOME.   
..(bb)


	5. Jefferson, stop speaking in italics.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jefferson's a dick! trans maria! Italics! I have nothing more to say!

Alex was walking towards the Columbia University Library where he met up with his friend Maria to study. But, a tall figure with gloriously luscious curly hair came up to him. “ Heeeyyy, Hamilton. How are you? Going to see Maria again?”   
Alex scowled. “ Shut up Jefferson, and don’t say her name in italics. It’s weird.”   
“ Well, I’m sorry but you spend so much time with her I can’t help but think you’re dating ;).” Jefferson smiled and fluffed up his fabulous mane. Man, that man is beautiful. 10/10.   
Alex scowled again. He hated being around Jefferson. It’s like he’s always trying to find a reason to tear Alex down. ( And also because Jefferson is beautiful and it makes Alex feel a bit sexualy frustrated) ( If you tell anyone I said that he’ll kill you >:/ ) “ I’m not dating Mariah, we’re just friends, ok?” Jefferson smiled, and his teeth glinted like a 1950s movie star. “ Whatever you say Hamilton.” And with that, he pranced away into the metaphorical sunset.   
“ STOP SPEAKING IN ITALICS YOU DIPSHIT!” Alex called after him.   
“ Don’t let Thomas get you down,” Maria said behind Alex , “ He acts all high and mighty but he doesn’t know shit.”   
Alex laughed and pulled Maria into side hug. Everyone assumed that he and Maria were dating but in reality, they had just been through so much together that they couldn’t help but be close. When Maria came out as trans, Alex was the first to call her by her preferred name and pronouns. When Alex first moved to ‘Merica (* insert awesome guitar solo and bald eagle screeches here*) to go to college, Maria was the first person who talked to him ( and the only person who knew Spanish).   
“ Ready to study?” Maria asked in a slightly husky voice. She’s been on estrogen for about six months, but her voice still has a bit of roughness to it.   
“ Always.”


	6. relationship advice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is just here to move the story along lol. but it's still good... I hope.

“ I don’t know, Angelica, I just- I don’t feel that way about him anymore.” Eliza said, frowning.  
Angelica took a long sip of their cappuccino. “ Hmmm, I don’t know, Sweetie, I’ve always believed that if you don’t like someone you shouldn’t date them.”  
“ But I DO like him!” Eliza groaned.  
“ Then kill him.” Angelica mumbled.  
“ What?”  
“ What?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> angelica is genderfluid, although it's not explicitly stated. ( yet)


	7. cute fluff

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> awwww

“ Hey, John, can I tell you something?” Alex showed up in his room at midnight, wearing flannel pjs and holding a mug of tea.  
“ If it’s to tell me that you’re hopelessly in love with me and want to have gay ass sex on this bed right here, right now, then absolutely.” He mumbled into his memory foam pillow.  
“ Excuse me?”  
“...nothing”  
Alex looked around, awkwardly.  
“ I don’t think I love Eliza anymore.”  
WE STOP THIS WEIRD THIRD PERSON/ SECOND PERSON POINT OF VIEW TO BRING YOU JOHN LAUREN’S INTERNAL DIALOGUE :  
YESYESYEYSEYESYESYESYESYESYEYSEYSYEYSYESYESYEYSYEYSYEYSEYSYESYESYYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYEYSYESYEYSYESYESYEYSYESYSYESESYESYES  
WE NOW RETURN TO THIS WEIRD ASS NARRATIVE STYLE  
John coughed. “ What? Really? When did you come to this realization???” ( He secretly hoped that Alex realized he had feelings for him and that they could become the cutest damn couple to grace this cold, lonely planet.)  
“ I dunno, I just don’t feel…right when I’m with her anymore? I guess?”  
“ Is there anyone you do feel ~right~ with?” John asked, hopefully.  
“ I don’t know…” ( In reality, Alex did know. He felt right with John. GOD DAMN IT WHY CAN’T YOU ASSHOLES GET TOGETHER AND BE ADORABLE AND IN LOVE?!?!)  
“ Umm… one more thing,” Alex said, shyly. “ Can I sleep in here? I just, kinda want to be away from all the pictures I have of Eliza in my room.”  
“ YES. Sure. Definitely. Always.” John prayed to literally EVERY SINGLE GOD IN EVERY DAMN RELIGION THAT ALEX COULDN’T SEE HIM BLUSH.  
Alex climbed into the other side if the bed and snuggled up with John’s stuffed turtle. He could feel John’s heat and finally felt right.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
( WASN’T THAT SO CUTE???? GOD, WHERE’S MY PULITZER PRIZE? HUH? )


	8. more fluff ( but short this time)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> fluffy. like a bunny. or... a different... fluffy animal. ( idk it's late, i just drank ten ounces of coffee, and all i want to do is read the cursed child.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry I haven't posted! I watched Bones all night on Friday and couldn't be bothered to charge my computer till... Monday night. I'm sorry! I just suck at being a functional human.

When John woke up, he was confused as to why another person was in his bed, but then he saw Alex’s hair and he remembered last night. He smiled and scooted closer to Alex. The scent of his shampoo relaxed him and he fell back asleep with the hope that he and Alex would someday be together.


	10. The return of Jefferson DUN DUN DUN

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> " Maddy, more like daddy ;)" ( I'm sorry, mom)

Alex had texted Eliza to come meet him at Man’s Man Manly Tavern. Eliza was already there when Alex came in. “ Is there a reason you asked to meet me at a misogynistic bar at 11:30 A.M?” She asked.   
“ Eliza, there’s something I want to talk to you about.” he took a deep breath. God damn this was gonna be hard. “ I’ll always love you, and you mean so much to me, but… I don’t think we should date anymore.”   
“... OH THANK GOD.”   
“ Uhh what?” Alex said, perplexed.   
“ I don’t want to date you either! Wow! That took such a burden off me! Haha thanks, Alex, you’re the best!” She kissed him on the cheek and skipped out the tavern.   
“ Soooooo,” Jefferson whipped of his fake mustache and glasses and slid onto the stool that was next to Alex’s. “ You’re free now?”   
“ Fuck off, Jefferson.”   
“ I’d rather fuck you ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) if ya know what I mean” Jefferson insinuated. ( more like inSINuated, AMIRITE, BITCHES?)  
“ I know what you mean, and stop using smiley faces when you speak. It’s weird and annoying.”   
Just then, a smol man who looked like he needed a tissue walked up to the bar. “ Hi I’m James Madison. Most people call me James, friends call me Madison, and assholes call me Maddy.”   
“ Well, Maddy, or should I say Daddy ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°), it’s great to meet you ;).”   
Jefferson and James went to the opposite end of the tavern and got banana daiquiris. Such romance. I bet, if Jefferson got into a rap battle and he dropped the mic, Madison would be there to catch it.


	11. contemplating sexuality in the shower

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> not as dirty as it sounds

“Great workout, today, John.” Alex’s face was covered in sweat, and shirt was sticking to his back.  
“ Hey, are you ok about the whole Eliza thing?” John asked.  
“ Yeah, I mean… She actually wanted to break up with me. She was really relieved when we broke up. It kinda hurt my fragile, masculine ego.”  
“ HAHAHA THAT’S SAVAGE AS FUCK.” John laughed. He felt a bit bad about it, but come on. That’s fucking hilarious.  
Alex grimaced but he managed a short laugh. “ I guess it is kinda funny.”  
“ Dude. Dude. It’s funny as shit.” John put his hand on Alex’s shoulder and smiled. “ But for real, do you want a hug?”  
“ Maybe when we’re not sweaty and disgusting.”  
They went to the showers and got in. John kept his eyes trained on the tiles in front of him, BUT ALEX DIDN’T.  
Alex kept sneaking glances to the very hot boy standing next to him. He never really thought about his sexuality because he’s only ever liked girls, but thinking back, he’s always been attracted to boys. Jefferson ( shut up), James Reynolds, Charles Lee, that weird night with Lafayette and now…  
John. John Laurens. John mother fucking Laurens. Alex furrowed his brow. “ but no homo. That’s our thing. There’s supposed to be no homo.” he mumbled to himself.  
John looked over at him. “ Dude, what the actual fuck are you talking about?”  
“ Pssh what? Nothing. What are you talking about? Huh??? Why does it always gotta be about me? Can’t we talk about you? How was YOUR day? “  
John looked at him as if he were crazy, which, let’s be honest, he kinda is.  
Alex turned off the shower and got his clothes. “ Let’s go home.”


	12. True life: I'm addicted to Pokemon GO

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Don't run out if Pokeballs, kids.

“ Allllleeexxxxxxxx I wanna go home.” John moaned. They were out catching pokemon, much to John’s dismay.  
“ SHHH I’M CATCHING A BULBASAUR.”  
John rolled his eyes and grinned like an idiot. He was spending time with Alex, What more could he want? Alex had downloaded Pokemon Go, but John hadn’t wanted to jump on the bandwagon. ( WHICH HE SHOULD BECAUSE POKEMON GO IS LIT) They’d walked around half of New York looking for Pokemon.  
“ NOOOO!!! I RAN OUT OF POKEBALLS!!! WHYYYYYYYY??????” Alec cried out in pain.  
“ Shh. Shh, it’s ok. You’ll be ok. “ John held Alex’s head to his shoulder. ( in a not at all homo way)  
“ No, it was bulbasaur; and there’s a pikachu nearby.” Alex clung to John’s shirt. ( it was very soft if ya wanted to know) ( and green) ( it brought out his beautiful brown eyes) ( Alex in general is beautiful.)  
Alex looked up at him with the aforementioned beautiful brown eyes, “ Can we pleeeeeeaaaassssseee go to a pokestop?” Alex asked in his baby voice. “ I’m too poor to go buy pokeballs.”  
“ Babe. it’s ten o’clock and we’re in New York. We’re probably gonna get kidnapped or something.”  
Alex pouted and they made their way back to the apartment.


	13. Turtle the cat: fighting crime and kicking ass

“ That one’s pretty cute.” Alex said, barely looking up from his phone. He was probably still playing Pokemon Go. ( yes, he did get more pokeballs, thanks for your concern)  
“ Yeah, but that one doesn’t speak to me.” John whined.  
“ They’re cats. They’re not supposed to speak to you.” Alex thought for a second. “ If they are speaking to you, please tell me, so I can recommend a good therapist.”  
John smiled and moved on to look at other cats. But something else caught his eye. “ OH MY GOD IS THAT A TURTLE”  
Alex groaned and shook his head. He didn’t even know why john liked turtles so much. I mean, turtles aren’t THAT cute. ( I would like to note that the author( Me) does not share the same views as Alex.) “ We came here to get a cat, not a turtle.”  
“ BUT ALEX.”  
“ I don’t turtles are even allowed in the apartment. Plus, they’re super expensive and high-maintenance.”  
John pouted. ( I feel like this fan fic is just a bunch of boys pouting.) He crossed his arms and stomped off to the fish section.  
Alex caught up to him. “ ok, how about this: we can get whatever cat you want, and we can name him turtle.”  
John grinned and threw his arms around Alex. He raced back to the cat section and stopped in front of a small tuxedo cat with a broken tail. “ That one. I want that one.”  
Alex shrugged. He went up to the lady who was working there and told her that they wanted to adopt the cat with the broken tail.  
“ alright, “ she said in in a low, gravely voice. “ here’s your paperwork. Is there anything you’d like to name your cat?”  
“ Turtle.” John said confidently.  
“ Turtle. Turtle the cat.” The lady smiled. “ I like it.”  
And so, they went home with a small cat named turtle and a shit ton of cat food and litter.


	14. Mario Kart because reasons

“ I’M GONNA FUCK YOU UP SO BAD YOU LITTLE BITCH.” John yelled.  
“ OH YEAH? SUCK MY DICK.” Alex shouted back.  
“ GLADLY.”  
“ NO HOMO.” They screamed in each others’ faces.  
John was beating Alex’s ass. At Mario Kart, and Alex was NOT happy about it. Even though John had chosen Princess Peach, he was still beating the shit out of Alex ( In the game, DO NOT BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF YOUR POSSIBLE/CURRENT ROMANTIC PARTNERS.)  
John’s pink racecar crossed the finish line and had won the race *applause* ( Alex was in 11th place *slightly less applause*).  
John got up and did a victory dance around the room. Alex lied down and pouted. “ It’s not fair.” He whined.  
John threw Turtle the kitten up the air, “ Life’s not fair, get used to it.”


	15. Discovering your sexuality on tunblr

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Exactly what the title says

Alex was looking at tumblr. Whose idea it was to let this happen, I have no idea, but that person should be locked up. “ John! John! Come here!”   
John came running into the room. “WHAT? WHAT? WHAT’S WRONG?!”   
“ You can like MORE THAN ONE GENDER???” Alex said, perplexed.  
John looked at him. Then put his head in his hands. Then sat down on the floor. Then he lay down. Then he slammed his head against the cold, oak hardwood.   
“ John? What are you doing? Do you need medical assistance?”   
“You fucking dumbass.” John mumbled, his face squished into the floor. “ Besides, why would you care? Are you bisexual?”   
Alex thought for a moment. “ Yeah, I think so.”   
John got up and hugged his friend, “ Well that's pretty rad. Thank you for telling me, it means a lot. But you’re still fucking stupid.”


	16. coming out at a bar

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> idk why i have to do these, the titles are pretty self explanatory

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> make sure you have google translate open in another tab

And we’re back at Man’s Man manly Tavern. Is it because the author has no other ideas for settings? Yes. But, it’s a fun setting and we’re going back to it.   
The entire gang was at the tavern. Like, EVERYONE was at the tavern. Lafayette, Mulligan, Burr, Jefferson, Madison, Eliza, Angelica, Peggy, Maria, and, of course, John Laurens. ( and hamilton, obv )   
Peggy spoke up, “ Um, why are we all here? And also, I know I haven’t been introduced in this story, so I would like to take this time to say: Hi, my name is Peggy Schuyler and I feel so honored to be included in this hot mess of a fan fic.”   
“ Well, Peggy,” Alex said. “ I’m not quite sure what you mean by ‘ we’re in a fan fic’, but we’re here because I have a very big announcement.” 

Burr raised his hand, “ Can you get on with it, then? I kinda have somewhere to be.”   
Alex glared at him. And so did John. It was like a glaring party in that building.   
“ Anyway,” Alex said, getting on top of the bar. “ I wanted to tell y’all this because you’re my closest friends.”   
“ You don’t like me.” Jefferson called out.  
“ I barely know you.” Madison chimed in.   
“ I’m just here cause I thought there would be snacks.” Burr added.   
“ Vous fuckers respecter mieux mon ami ou je vais écraser vos visages avec une brique.” Lafayette announced.   
“ Lafayette, I know french and that was very disrespectful.” Angelica said.  
Alex crossed his arms. “ ANYWAY, i just wanted to tell you all” *pause for dramatic effect* “ I’m bisexual.”   
There was a smattering of applause, mostly from Peggy and John.   
Angelica climbed up on the bar and stood next to Alex. “ I’m Genderfluid!” Everyone clapped for them.   
“ I’m gay as hell!” John yelled.   
“ Me too!” Jefferson and Madison said at the same time. And they kissed. Aww so cute.   
“Je suis heureux pour vous , mais pourquoi ne jefferson et moi regarde exactement la même???” Lafayette asked, very confused.


	17. BEACUSE MAYBE( maybe) YOURE GONNA BE THE ONE THAT SAVES ME ( saves me )

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> am I the only one who likes that song?

Alex was looking through the music store, trying to find the perfect guitar. Then he found it. The One. It had the American Flag and a bald eagle printed on the back.   
“ Sir, I’m gonna have to ask you to stop drooling over the merchandise.” A worker said.   
Alex wiped away his masculine tear ( and his drool) . “ I need this guitar more than I need to breathe.”   
“ Ok sir, that’s a bit extreme.”   
“ John’s gonna love this.” Alex whispered to himself, grinning like an idiot.   
*Pretentious British narrator voice*   
Alex then spent many weeks perfecting his craft in the great art of guitaring. hmm yes *sips tea and strokes beard at the same time*   
“ JOHN! JOHN! COME QUICK! I NEED TO SHOW YOU SOMETHING.”  
“ What now?” John asked dragging his feet toward Alex’s room. John was getting pretty tired of his shit.  
Alex pulled out his guitar. “ Are you ready?”He patted the space on his bed and John sat down.  
“ Ok, so I’ve practicing guitar for some time now, and I learned this song I think you’ll really like. It means a lot to me… so yeah.”   
Alex strummed his guitar, and John sat in anticipation.   
“Anyway, here’s Wonderwall.”  
John walked out. What's wrong?!” Alex yelled after him.  
“ Suck my dick.”


	18. the one where the author rips off a scene from friends.

“ Man, I can’t believe Eliza invited you to her dad’s fancy dinner party after everything that’s happened.” John said from the living room.  
“ Yeah, but Eliza and I are chill now. We’re bros.”  
“ But I thought we were bros.”  
“ Bro, you will always be my ultimate bro.”  
“ … Bro.”  
Alex came out of the bathroom and Holy Mother Of Fuck did he look beautiful. Blood rushed to John cheeks and other pla- NOPE NOPE NOPE I’M STOPPING ME RIGHT THERE. THAT IS TOO INAPPROPRIATE. THIS IS CLEAN , FAMILY FRIENDLY, RESPECTABLE FAN FICTION. ( let’s be real, it’s not.)  
ANYWAY, John looked at Alex in amazement and wonder. How could a human being be so perfect? So precious?? So smol??? He was wearing a black suit with a bowtie and he had pinned a bisexual flag pin to his lapel. “ You look beautiful. I love you.” John blurted.  
“ I’m sorry, what?” Alex said.  
“ I SAID YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL AND I STOPPED TALKING. I JUST STOPPED TALKING RIGHT THERE.”  
“ lol ok.”


	19. Peggy and Lafayette's sleepover extravaganza of awesomeness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I just wanted to write about Peggy and Lafayette. -\\_(^-^)_/-

“ I just don’t understand why they won’t get together!” Peggy complained through a mouthful of popcorn.  
“ I know, right? C’est stupide af.” Lafayette agreed. They were have their weekly Sleepover Extravaganza of Awesomeness™.  
“ It’s like, you obviously like each other, you’re both into guys, just make out already.”  
“ Oui, but Alexander and John are, how you say, stupidly oblivious dimwits who need to get their heads out of their asses.”  
“ Damn straight, mon cher.” Peggy fistbumped Laf and took a sip of wine.  
“ je dois dire que , alex est vraiment mignon et je serais ravi de faire avec lui.” Lafayette mused.  
“ okie dokie.”


	20. Dinosaur pee bullfuckery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> based off of a true story. hey, Kamryn ;)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so, I'm going back to school soon and I don 't know how much I'll be able to post. Sorry! Plus, the 18th is my birthday. send presents to the address: 666 gates of hell drive. thank.

“ John it’s sooo hot.” Alex complained.  
“ that’s because we’re outside.” John said condescendingly.  
Alex stuck out his tongue. They were at the beach. I would say a specific beach, but I don’t live in New York and I don’t want to google “ beaches in new York.” There are beaches in New York, Right? I’m pretty sure it’s on the coast… Hahaha I’m so bad at geography.  
“ I’m gonna go out in the waves.” John announced, putting his magnificent curly hair in a ponytail.  
“ I’ll come too!” 

“ Isn’t this beautiful, John? Waves rolling around us, Ocean breeze in our hair. It really makes you contemplate life, right?”  
John noticed a giant ass wave coming towards them. “ Uhhh Alex?”  
“ shh quiet, I’m philosophizing. You know water is the one consistent thing on this planet? The amount of water on this planet is the same amount that was there when there was dinosaurs. Think about it! We are swimming in dinosaur pee!”  
John had already walked out of the waves and was safe on the sand. Alex went to follow but the wave crashed into him. He went under and the was last anyone ever saw of Alexander Hamilton.  
The End. 

 

Nah girl, I’m just playing. Alex popped back up. He snorted water out of his nose.Like he snorted out half the wave. Meanwhile John died laughing. “ Hey bro, you ok?”  
Alex glared at the ripples in the water. “ You know what? Fuck the ocean. Dinosaur pee bullfuckery. god fucking damn it. Pacific more like pacifDICK. Fucking Ocean trying to drown me! Who do you think you are?”


	21. THE TITLE OF THIS FAN FICTION  IS A LIE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> as per request, this is super gay.

“ John.” Alex said, thinking. “ I want to get drunk.”  
“ Dude, we can’t.”  
“ John.” Alex said, thinking. “ I want to get drunk.”  
“ Dude, we can’t.”  
“ what? Why not?” Alex pouted. ( Again with the pouting @me?? Get a new goddamn word jfc)  
“ Because George, the guy who runs Man’s Man Manly Tavern, says we're banned for a month because we stood on his counters.”  
“ What a dick.” Alex crossed his arms. “ Well, whatever, we don’t need him. I’m gonna go to the store and buy us some nice, reasonably priced beers.”  
~ 33 minutes and 7 beers later~  
“ John. John. i gotta tell ya something.” Alex slurred.  
“ What?” John smiled lazily. He had a good buzz going, and this was actually pretty fun.  
“ I think Jefferson is hot. Like, really hot.”  
“ Dude, you’re so right.”  
Alex was quiet for a minute, contemplating. “ But you’re definitely hotter.”  
John blushed. “ Thanks. I think you’re petty hot, too.”  
Alex got an idea. He grabbed one of the empty beer bottles and put it on the floor. “ Let’s play spin the bottle.”  
“... But there’s only two of us.” John was blushing furiously now.  
“ Lucky us ;).”  
Alex spun the bottle and ( of course) it landed on John. He grabbed his shirt and leaned in. John closed his eyes and breathed in Alex. He smelled like booze and breath mints. Their lips met. It awkward at first, just their lips touching. But John put his hand on Alex’s cheek. He felt the warmth of his smooth skin. And the slight bit of stubble on his chin ( lol that rhymed.)  
Oh my god. Alex thought, I’m kissing my best friend. And… I like it. Alex deepened the kiss. John tasted of acidic beer and jolly ranchers (Alex had also bought some of those too.) Alex ran his hands through John’s hair. It was silky and curly. Like a poodle. John broke apart suddenly. “ Welp. I’m going to my room.”  
CUT TO JOHN LAURENS’S INTERNAL MONOLOGUE  
HOLY CRAP HOLY CRAP HOLY CRAP HOLY MOTHERFUCKING HORSE CRAP ON A TOASTED SLICE OF BREAD SHIT FUCK DAMN  
CUT TO ALEXANDER HAMILTON’S INTERNAL MONOLOGUE  
OH MY GOD OH MY GOD I KISSED A BOY AND I LIKED IT I AM A REVERSE KATY PERRY ALSO I KISSED MY BEST BRO AND I WANT TO DO IT MORE ARE WE HOMO? IS OUR RELATIONSHIP NO LONGER NO HOMO? THE TILE OF NO THIS FAN FICTION IS A LIE.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok, so, the kissing scene isn't that great because: 1. I am pretty damn ace and 2. I have never kissed anyone. ever. I wonder why... is it because I write bad Hamilton fan fiction in the middle of the night?... nah, that can't be it.


	22. confronting your gay feelings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> eat some spaghetti to forgetti your regretti

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heyyyyy long time no see. sorry.So, the thing is, i was attacked by a shark and then I had to overthrow the government with the help of small. orange trolls. and then, i single handedly solved America's debt crisis and kicked Donald trump in the balls. and then, i wrote this fan fic and completely lied in this chapter summary.

“ So, Alex, I think we need to talk. About the...thing.”  
“ UM WHAT THING.”   
“ The thing that happened last night.” John crossed his arms.   
“ NOTHING HAPPENED LAST NIGHT. NIGHT DOESN’T EVEN EXIST TIME IS AN ILLUSION.” Alex pulled a pillow over his face.   
John groaned. “ Alex,please, We need to talk about this.”   
“ How about, instead of doing that, we do NOT that.”   
“ Ugh. I’m gonna go talk to Lafayette.” 

 

-

 

“ OH MON DIEU. MERCI SEIGNEUR IL EST ARRIVE.” Lafayette shouted, punching the air.  
“ … i don’t know what that means.”   
“ Oh, john! I’m so proud of you! You’re both finally embracing your incredibly GAY feelings.”   
John groaned. “ They’re not gay!! It’s totally normal to want to kiss your best friend and roommate! And also want to have a nice, long relationship full of deep conversations and mutual respect. And also lots of sex, Right??”   
“ No, not really.”   
John thought sadly. “ Fuck, I like him, don’t I?”   
Peggy emerged from the shadows, even though this was a well lit room and also there was nowhere for her to hide??? How did she do that?? Peggy is ninja #confirmed. She held out her hand. Lafayette slipped her a ten dollar bill. “I win.” she whispered.  
John just stared at them in confusion.


	23. * sips tea*

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> byot ( bring your own tea ) ( also I CAN SMELL YOUR GAY THOUGHTS)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the end is nigh, people. the end is nigh.

“ Jefferson, Can I tell you something?” Alex had invited Jefferson to a drink at Man’s Man Manly Tavern.   
“ I’d really rather you not.”   
“..... I KISSED JOHN.”   
Jefferson took a long sip of his Sam Adams beer. ( not spon) “ It’s about goddamn time.”   
“huh”   
“ It’s Obvious you two are madly in love with each other. Seriously. I’ve known you for like, two months I can practically smell all those gay thoughts. I CAN SMELL YOUR THOUGHTS HAMILTON.” 

“ are you high? ”   
“ no, but I have a great gaydar.”   
“ I’m happy for you?”   
“ so are you two dating?”   
“ WHAT NO WE WOULD NEVER UH UH NO WAY JOSE NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS well it’s not like I haven’t thought about it I mean, John laurens is incredibly attractive and I mean holy heck have you seen his hair? Ugh so gorgeous. I MEAN WAIT NO I AM NOT GAY FOR THE HUMAN EMBODIMENT OF PERFECTION THAT IS JOHN LAURENS.”   
“ sure, not gay.” Thomas took a sip of his tea, even though they don’t serve it at Man’s Man Manly Tavern. He brought his own for the meme aesthetic™. ( I hate myself )


	24. yes homo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> teach me how to say goodbye.

“ Alex. we need to talk. Please.”  
Alex sighed. He knew it would come to this at some point, but he wasn’t ready. Basically he was prepared to avoid his best friend forever. “ fine”  
“ Alex, that kiss meant something. It wasn’t just platonic.”  
“ I know john.”  
“ And can i just say that it was a damn good kiss, no matter how bad the author is at writing kissing scenes. AND HOLY CRAP IS SHE BAD. But anyway, that kiss was loaded with sexual tension and gay feelings!”  
“ I said I know John.”  
“ oh “  
“ But that doesn’t mean we can date. No homo has always been our thing. Always.”  
John felt defeated. “ Fine. If that’s what you want. Fine.”  
“ NOOOOOOOOO” Peggy and Lafayette shouted, throwing down their popcorn. Alex turned, swiftly, “ HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET INTO OUR HOUSE?”  
“ WHO CARES???? YOU CAN’T RUIN MY OTP! DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH BLOOD, SWEAT, AND TEARS I PUT INTO THIS RELATIONSHIP???? AND FOR YOU TWO TO TEAR IT DOWN WITHIN A FEW LINES OF OVERLY ANGSTY DIALOGUE IS ABSOLUTE BULLSHIT AND I DEMAND A REFUND.” peggy screamed.

“ Ok Peggy, mon cher, mi amor, we should give these ânes muets some space.”  
Peggy wiped away a single tear. “ ok.”  
Alex looked at John. “ John, I love you. I think. But I just… we can’t date. No Homo.” Alex looked down. “ … no… homo…”  
“ No, Alex. Yes Homo.” John pressed a hand to Alex’s face and gave him a quick, meaningful kiss on the lips. He drew back, blushing, but Alex pulled him back in. “ Yes Homo.” He whispered against John’s soft mouth. “ yes homo” 

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
-WHERE ARE THEY NOW?-  
Eliza adopted a golden retriever. She decided dogs were much better than Boys and also realized that she’s asexual.  
Angelica is just a badass. Goddamn, they’re amazing. :’)  
Peggy is now making Lams t-shirts and you can buy them on her etsy shop, or support her on patreon www.peggyloveslams.com  
Mariah has fully transitioned and went on to become president. Because reasons, bitch.  
Mulligan Bought man’s man manly tavern and now runs it. With all the drinks named after horses.  
Lafayette moved back to france and is now running a delightful little cheese shop. ( he’s still in touch with Peggy and the rest of the gang btw)  
Madison Looked past all of Jefferson’s flaws, and they got married. That man is a saint.  
Honestly who cares about Jefferson, fuck him, wait no, that’s madison’s job. ( again that man is a saint.)  
And finally, Alex Hamilton and John Laurens are happily living together, and they adopted three more cats: Lin, Manuel, and Miranda. They are getting their degrees at Columbia University and are going to live the rest of their gay ass lives happily ever after. The end. 

 

 

No Homo.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly, this fan fic is one of the best things I have ever done. I feel so #blessed that i can literally word vomit into my computer and people actually like it. Y'all deserve " Best people to ever exist award." ( looking at you dr.penguini )  
> but seriously, you guys are the best, and i'm glad someone actually finds me funny. [ pls follow my tumblr @artsygirl18 ] ( yes i am aware how stupid my url is thx 4 ur concern) { and yes, I realize that I am an annoying fuck face who plugs her tumblr account in the notes of her shitty ass fan fic.} ( Pls follow my tumblr, I need validation.)


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